There’s no doubt airplane seat swapping has become one of the most controversial topics in air travel, right up there with reclining your seat, taking off your shoes and who gets the middle seat armrests. I’ve written about this subject numerous times over the years but a new viral video (embedded below) might be one of the most ridiculous examples I’ve seen.
Travel blogger Tomiko Harvey was flying home from Kazakhstan following the death of her father. On her connecting Turkish Airlines flight from Istanbul to Washington, D.C., a woman sitting next to her asked if she would switch seats with her husband, who was sitting a couple of rows away. There was just one problem. Harvey had an aisle seat and the husband was sitting in a middle seat as well. And this wasn’t some quick flight from Los Angeles to Las Vegas. It was a flight lasting more than 10 hours.
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Harvey declined and according to her account, the woman proceeded to cry for three hours because she couldn’t sit next to her husband. Harvey was understandably baffled, especially since she was grieving the loss of her own father. She eventually asked the woman if someone had died because she couldn’t imagine another reason someone would cry for so long.
The woman reportedly explained that nobody had died. She simply missed her husband and wanted to rest her head on his shoulder. Meanwhile, according to Harvey, the husband was sitting a couple of rows ahead, wearing headphones and sleeping peacefully. Apparently, he was doing just fine without his wife sitting next to him.
In her Instagram video, Harvey joked about the situation and shared what she told the woman after landing: “Good job. Look at you surviving without your husband for 10 hours.” She also joked that she might need to reevaluate her own marriage because apparently she doesn’t love her husband enough.
The story has taken off on social media and even Inside Edition did a story on it.
My wife and I had very different reactions
When my wife told me about this story, she said she probably would have caved after an hour of the crocodile tears. Not me. I told her I would have looked at the woman and said, “You can put your head on my shoulder. Just don’t drool.”
All kidding aside, I think Harvey was absolutely right to keep her seat. She had every right to say no, especially since she was being asked to trade an aisle seat for a middle seat on a 10-hour flight. And the fact that she was traveling home after losing her father makes the whole situation even more upsetting. You never know what someone else is going through, which is another reason travelers should be considerate of the people around them.
The internet had plenty to say
As you can imagine, the comments on Harvey’s Instagram post were entertaining, with many people siding with her. Famed chef @leeannewong, wrote: “This. I’m sorry, you live with this person. Get a grip.” Another, @theelizaway, couldn’t believe the woman expected someone to give up an aisle seat for a middle seat, writing: “For a middle seat!!!!! Nope sorry not doing it!”
But my favorite perspective might have come from @travelingblackwidow, who explained that she and her husband never worried about sitting together when they traveled. He was 6-foot-2 and preferred the aisle while she liked the window. They enjoyed their time together at their destination and said the arrangement worked beautifully throughout their 31 years of marriage. That’s a pretty healthy way to look at it, if you ask me.
That reminds me of a flight I once took from Washington, D.C. (DCA) to Los Angeles (LAX) in American Airlines first class. The plane had a 2-2 seating configuration and I was in 1D, the aisle, next to a prominent lawyer who had worked for U.S. presidents. His wife was sitting across the aisle in 1A, so I offered to switch seats with her so they could sit together. He politely declined and said something along the lines of, “No thanks. We see each other plenty and we both like window seats.” I got a good laugh out of that one, and it’s stuck with me ever since.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to sit next to your spouse or traveling companion. I prefer sitting next to my wife and kids, too. But there’s a big difference between politely asking someone to switch seats and making them feel guilty when they decline.
How I avoid getting stuck in a middle seat
Listen, I get it. Nobody wants to sit in a middle seat between two strangers, especially on a 10-hour flight. That’s why I go to great lengths to avoid it. I’ve been traveling professionally for decades and one of my biggest pieces of advice is to book flights as far in advance as possible so you have the best selection of seats.
My preference is usually an exit-row aisle seat when I’m traveling alone. When I’m with my kids, I try to reserve bulkhead seats because children aren’t allowed to sit in exit rows. But even when I book at the last minute and the only seats available are middles, I don’t give up.
I regularly check the airline’s seat map, sometimes spending hours refreshing it in the days leading up to departure. I also set a seat alert (here’s how) so I can find out when a better seat becomes available. You’d be surprised how often good seats open up just before a flight. Elite frequent flyers get upgraded, passengers change flights and some travelers miss their connections. That’s why I keep checking right up until boarding.
I also recommend asking the gate agent politely if there are any aisle or window seats available. They might not be able to help, but it never hurts to ask.
My strategy for getting two seats together
If my wife and I are traveling together and can’t find two seats next to each other, I have another trick. Rather than booking two middle seats, I’ll try to reserve an aisle seat for one of us and a window seat for the other, even if they’re in different rows. That gives us some bargaining power if we want to ask another passenger to switch.
Some people prefer the aisle while others love the window, so offering one of those seats gives us a much better chance of finding someone willing to trade. For example, on a plane with a 3-3 seating configuration, if we’re in different rows, we could potentially ask the aisle and window passengers in either row whether they’d prefer one of our seats. That gives us several possible options instead of relying on one person to agree.
Of course, the key is to offer someone an equal or better seat. Don’t expect a stranger to give up a desirable aisle or window seat for your middle seat just because you want to sit next to your spouse. And if you really want someone to move, there’s another option: Offer to pay them.
On a 10-hour flight, offering someone $100 might be enough to convince them to swap, depending on the seats involved. There’s no guarantee, but it’s certainly a better strategy than crying for three hours. Just make sure any seat change is approved by the flight crew when necessary.
Is it rude to refuse to switch seats on an airplane?
Absolutely not. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to politely ask someone to switch seats, especially if you’re trying to sit next to a young child or help someone with a legitimate need. But the person you’re asking has every right to decline, and that should be the end of the conversation.
Travelers choose their seats for all kinds of reasons. Some pay extra for them, some book months in advance and others need a particular seat because of mobility issues, anxiety or personal comfort. And you have no idea what that person might be dealing with. In Harvey’s case, she was traveling home after losing her father, something the woman asking her to switch seats apparently didn’t know.
If sitting together is that important, plan ahead, choose your seats when booking or pay the additional fee if necessary. And if things don’t work out, remember that being separated from your spouse for a few hours isn’t the end of the world.
I love my wife, but we can and have both survived a 10-hour flight sitting a couple of rows apart. In fact, with two kids at home, 10 hours of uninterrupted movies sounds pretty appealing to her.
What would you have done? Would you have given up your aisle seat or stayed put? Let me know in the comments.
